All Hail Presidente Paul
by Mneme
Summary: Paul wins a turn at being leader of the Lost Boys. Hilarity ensues, at David's expense.
1. Chapter 1

"What?!"

David shook his head. He couldn't believe this.

"It's right here. In black and white." Dwayne pointed down at the pair of dice on the cave floor, sitting in the crudely drawn circle in the dirt. Paul was jumping around like an idiot and Marko was cheering him on.

David squinted, leaning over the dice. Paul was swinging from the broken chandelier. "Oh my god. Why did I _ever_ agree to this?!"

Dwayne smirked. "Because your ego is huge and you insist you'll never lose."

"Shut. Up."

Paul cleared his throat loudly. "My first act as Presidente …"

"Oh hell no!" David waved his arms, trying to shut Paul up. "I demand a do-over!"

"He won fair and square!" Marko protested.

"Shut up Marko!"

"Marko's right. 'Who ever rolled the highest number wins'. Paul rolled twelve. Two sixes. He gets to be leader for the night."

David crossed his arms over his chest in a sulk. "Not tonight. He can have tomorrow."

"That's just prolonging your agony." Dwayne grinned.

"No. Not tonight. I'm still leader, god damn it." David was in full pout mode. Dwayne rolled his eyes. Paul stopped swinging long enough to pay attention. "Tomorrow night, sun down. Paul can take…_charge_ then. Ground rules must be laid down least he order something absolutely dumb and gets us killed."

"Party pooper." Paul muttered. David shot him a glare. Paul hopped down from the chandelier and stuck out a hand. "Shake on it."

David looked at Paul, then Paul's hand. "What?"

"Shake on it! Recognize that I won, fair and square!" David glared harder, looking wildly at Marko and Dwayne. Dwayne shrugged.

"Oh hell." David snarled, shaking Paul's hand and nearly wrenching his arm out of its socket. With that, David stormed off to his room. "I'll write up the rules."

When he was gone, Dwayne high-fived Paul. "I told you, he'd never ever guess the dice were loaded!"


	2. Chapter 2

At sunset the following evening, three of the four vampires gathered in the main chamber.

David was pacing round and round the broken fountain, a piece of paper clutched in his gloved hand. "Where the hell is he?"

Marko smirked, glancing at Dwayne. "Oh, he just wants to be fashionably late, make a grand entrance." David shook his head and snarled a few curse words.

Someone made a noise from the side entry. Paul cleared his throat, again. "Oh!" Marko grinned and pulled two kazoos from his jacket pocket, tossing one to Dwayne. Far from being in sync, they blew on them to make a facsimile of a trumpeting noise. It didn't produce a proper effect but it was perfect for Paul…

…Who strode into the room in a dusty top hat he'd found in one of the back caves and a sash that read "El Presidente" clearly scrawled in crayon (which he'd also found in one of the back caves.)

"Oh holy hell." David crushed his face into his gloved hands. Marko snickered. Dwayne elbowed Marko. Paul kept his chin raised and strode over to David, who was still not looking.

"Can we do the swearing in?"

"No."

Paul pouted. "Why not?!"

"There is _no_ swearing in! You're not an elected official! You won on a crooked dice game!" David shot glares at Dwayne and Marko. "I heard that bit about the dice, morons." Marko and Dwayne instantly looked suddenly intent on the dust particles floating in the firelight.

"You're still letting me do this?" Paul furrowed his brow, looking at David carefully.

"Will you throw a fit if I don't?"

"Yes."

"There's your answer." David rolled his eyes and tried to smooth out the now-crumpled ball of paper in his fist. "All right, here are the ground rules. You are leader in name only; anything that would be a drastic change or decision still falls under my watch. This means in no way can you force any of us to do something moronic, like get pack tattoos or shave our heads or go on a killing spree. Anything that could harm us or get us killed is out. You've only got this job until sun up. Got it?"

Paul nodded. "That it?"

"Yeah."

Paul smiled. "And if there was a change that needed to be made by the pack? Like voting on dinner or where we go?"

David sighed. "That's not a major decision. A major decision would be, say, pack tattoos. Which NO we are NOT getting tattoos."

Paul nodded again. "All right. Agreed then."

"You're not gonna make me shake hands again, are you?" David eyed Paul suspiciously.

"Nope," Paul smiled broadly at David. David shuddered.

"I'm going to regret…"

"First vote of the night!" Paul shouted. "I vote we make David the grunt!"

"Seconded!" Dwayne shouted.

"Aye!" Marko howled.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" David roared.

"Motion carried! David is our grunt for the night!" Paul patted David's shoulder, removing his hand just in time. "Let's all go to the Boardwalk, boys!"

Paul ditched the top hat and sash, headed up topside towards their bikes. Wisely, Marko and Dwayne cut a wide swath around David and followed, snickering softly. David sighed, alone in the Cave.

"I'm going to _kill_ him."


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, _grunt_!" Paul called, mouth full of greasy cheese pizza. He shook his empty soda cup, which rattled with the ice. "I need more beverage!"

David sat there in the booth, staring intently at the back of the head of the balding guy in the next booth. Paul leaned over and rattled his cup full of ice in David's face.

"I _said_, I need more soda!"

"Get it yourself, jackass." David snarled under his breath, still not moving.

"As Presidente for the day, we made a formal vote and you…" Before Paul could finish, the cup was snatched from his hand and David headed to the pour your own soda dispenser. Returning, he slammed the now-full cup down in front of Paul, causing it to slosh on the straws-and-napkin teepee Marko was building for his own amusement.

"Hey!" Marko cried, his teepee skin soaking up cola and turning brown.

"This ain't 'arts and crafts'," David muttered as he threw himself back in the booth. Marko's lower lip quivered.

"As el Presidente, I declare that Marko may have arts and crafts time anywhere he chooses." Paul countered, pulling another slice of pizza onto his plate. Marko grinned at Paul.

"Seconded!"

"Aye." Dwayne added absently, his attention elsewhere. (On a hot young girl who was playing Millipede in the arcade room.)

David sulked harder.

"Where to after this, el Presidente?" Marko asked, rebuilding his teepee project from a new napkin and three straws.

Paul thought silently, chewing. "I dunno. I'm kinda hungry for ice cream. But then I've got a hankering for cotton candy. And there's always carmel corn…"

"Some 'presidente', thinking with your stomach… OW!" David grabbed at his shin; the one Dwayne had just kicked under the table.

Marko shot Paul a sly grin. "Why don't we go hang out on the Boardwalk while the grunt goes and fetches all of that for us?"

"Awesome bro!" Paul's eyes lit up. "Yes! I say, grunt, go fetch us three bowls of ice cream, with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and crumbled cookies. And several boxes of carmel corn, but only from that vender on the other end of the Boardwalk. She makes the best stuff! And then a couple of bags of cotton candy. But don't get pink! We're not girls."

David rose, resigned. "And just exactly _where_ is the cash for your bidding, el Presidente?" He smirked. Usually David was the one who held the cash if it was needed, but since he wasn't in charge at the moment…

"Here," Dwayne slid three twenties over the table top towards David. "I took the liberty of making a withdrawal." Paul and Marko grinned, chowing down on the remains of their pizza pie.

David snatched the cash and walked off grumbling angrily. "We'll be down at the stairs to the beach! Oh, and don't take too much time!" Paul called after him.


	4. Chapter 4

Loaded down with several sacks full of carmel corn boxes, David held four ice cream cones covered with chocolate sauce and sprinkles. They were melting down his gloved hand. He scowled.

"This is just revenge on me for banning him from the Cave during the daylight."

"All we have left is pink cotton candy," The girl behind the counter broke into his thoughts. David flashed his most charming smile, suddenly pleased.

"I'll take all of it." He passed her the cash and received three jumbo bags of fluffy pink spun sugar in return.

Onward, back towards the other end of the Boardwalk, David trudged with el Presidente's wishes. He was halfway there when some kids darted in front of him, chased by an angry security guard. Unfortunately the security guard was over-weight and couldn't stop on a dime. He smacked right into David.

The ice cream cones he was carrying smashed into David's chest, leaving melting ice cream all over the front of his coat.

"Hey!" David snarled angrily.

The security guard eyed him. "Did I tell you to stay off the Boardwalk?"

"NO YOU DID NOT!" David howled, using his mojo on the now confused security guard. "Go get the damn hoodlums you were after, moron!" The guard got to his feet and took off after the brats he'd been chasing. Around him, people were staring at the commotion. "This isn't a sideshow, knock it off!" David shot death glares until the crowds looked away, back to the games and rides.

Finally, he reached where the other Boys were waiting. Paul was perched on the railing with Marko, while Dwayne leaned against a pillar, impressing the girls walking by with his silent sexiness.

"_Here_." David growled, shoving the goodies into Paul's arms.

"This is pink!"

"It was _all_ she had. Shut up and eat it, el _Presidente_!"

Paul rooted around in the bag of carmel corn. "Where's the ice cream?"

"Uh, Paul?" Marko pointed at the front of David's coat.

Paul tried to muffle his snickering. "Oh. Well, lucky that'll wash right out, isn't it!" Wisely, he chose that moment to become very interested in the jumbo bag of pink cotton candy, stuffing large chunks in his open mouth.

"So what next, Paul?" Dwayne asked.

"Um," Paul made his thinking face. "You guys got any ideas?"

Marko looked at Dwayne, then at Paul. David was busy trying to scrub the ice cream off his coat lapels with a napkin. "Oh yeah, I do." Marko grinned.


	5. Chapter 5

"_I'm a little tea pot, short and stout_," David growled the lyrics under his breath.

Paul shook his head. "Louder! I can't hear you! And do the hand motions!"

David glared daggers at the other Boys, who had decided David should try to make some quick change for them to spend on the Boardwalk, since he'd depleted the money on all the snacks. "_I'M A LITTLE TEA POT, SHORT AND STOUT_!" he roared, doing the hand motions, one arm bent at his side the other forming a spout. "_HERE IS MY HANDLE, HERE IS MY SPOUT_!"

"Dude, please get into rehab." Some stranger passing by tossed several quarters into the paper cup at David's feet.

"Screw you, buddy!" David muttered.

"Continue!" Paul demanded.

"_WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT_!_ TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT_!" David swore someone whistled at his ass as he did the 'pouring' bend over.

Paul, Marko, and Dwayne were clapping. A few more people dashed up and dropped some change in the cup.

"Am I _done_?" David snarled.

"No, I'm thinking you can sing the theme to 'The Sound of Music' next!" Paul grinned and ducked as David chucked a sticky used lollipop at his head.

Dwayne grabbed the cup. "Wow, your singing abilities impressed a lot of people. We've got about five bucks in change now." He doled out a dollar to himself and Marko, gave two dollars and fifty cents to Paul, and the last fifty cents he gave to David.

"Oh, joy of joys." David rolled his eyes.

"You can buy two condoms with that." Paul pointed out, leading the Boys down the midway section of the Boardwalk, where all the games were housed. Paul suddenly came to a halt in front of the ring toss.

"What?" Marko blinked, nearly crashing into Paul's back.

"I want our grunt to win me one of _those_." Paul pointed up into the eaves of the small stand where the gigantic stuffed hippos hung. They were cheap, probably filled with rotting newspaper and moldy stuffing, and had gigantic red lips in a kissing expression.

"Oh _hell_ no!" David groaned.

"Four rings, please." Paul plunked down two quarters. The girl in the booth handed Paul four plastic rings. "You gotta get the ring over the post ten times to win one of those." She pointed up at the ugly stuffed hippos.

"We have enough cash, if David doesn't miss." Dwayne grinned.

"No, my money is my money." David crossed his arms over his chest.

"You're the grunt. You have no money." Marko slipped the coins from David's pocket. David grabbed at him but Marko was too quick.

"We'll take thirty-six more rings, please!" Marko grinned at the girl.


	6. Chapter 6

After 'throwing away' the first ten and getting a very nasty look from Dwayne, David started being serious. He had thirty rings in which to win a stupid hippo.

"_Miss_!" Marko hissed in David's ear, causing David's grip to wobble and the ring to go flying. It nearly hit the girl manning the booth. She shot David a dirty look.

"You will _pay_ for that, blondie." David growled, tossing another ring before Marko could screw him up again. This one successfully circled the target and landed.

"That's five." Dwayne remarked as the girl set down a second small stuffed toy on the counter. In the end, everything would be traded up for a hippo. Paul clapped his hands together and started pogoing right there. Tourists passing by stared but weren't sure what to think of the punk rocker jumping up and down, clapping his hands. Many figured he was high. Everyone kept moving.

"Argh!" David yelled as another ring missed. If he didn't win the dumb hippo, he knew he'd never hear the end of it. "Can't you all go away so I can do this in peace?! Better, why doesn't Dwayne try? He's an expert."

Paul pouted. "But _you're_ our grunt."

David glared. "Fine. Go away and I'll bring your stupid hippo back with me." David figured he could work his mojo on the girl working the booth and take _all_ the damn hippos.

"No, I want it _fair and square_." Paul shook his head.

"Spoilsport." David tossed another ring successfully. This time Marko pumped a fist in the air and cheered. "SHUT UP MARKO!"

"You _need_ a cheerleader at this rate." Dwayne drawled. There was a tasty Latina walking past in tight black leather pants. "I need a snack. I'll be back." He bolted before the others could stop him.

David half spun around, seeing Dwayne dart off in the crowd. "No! Don't leave me with…" The ring he had tossed at that moment sailed off into the 'pop the balloons with the dart' booth, popping several balloons on impact. He could hear angry shouts from the burly guy who manned that booth. Hiding the remaining rings behind his back, he shrugged as the burly man ran past looking for who had thrown the ring.

"How many more do I have to make?"

"Four."

David sighed. "This is truly hell on earth. Can't you just be happy with the collection of ugly stuffed cows, Paul?"

"No!"

David tossed two rings at the same time. Both made the target. Paul and Marko cheered.

"What'd I miss?" Dwayne returned, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"I have only two more rings to toss and I can end my suffering."

"No, you don't." The girl grabbed the remaining plastic rings from David's hand and shoved one of the ugly hippos into David's arms. "You're hogging my booth and scaring off potential customers. Get lost!"

"YAY!" Paul cried, grabbing the hippo from a stunned David.


	7. Chapter 7

"Four ride tickets, please." David tried not to meet the eyes of the guy in the ticket booth.

"Which one?"

"What? Oh, the Big Dipper."

"Four dollars."

"What?! _Fine._" David fished out some extra cash he hid in his coat in case of an emergency. Handing over the bills, he coughed into his hand. "_Rip-off._"

The man in the booth gave him a dirty look and shoved the four ride tickets out through the slot opening in the Plexiglas. David grabbed them and made his way to the Big Dipper.

Paul was eating the remnants of his pink cotton candy. A whole bag had been left over and everyone else was no longer interested in the fluffy spun sugar.

"About time." Marko received a glare from David. David handed out the tickets just as Paul finished the last bits of sticky pink fluff.

"I call first car!" Paul shouted, running through the roped off line, followed by the other three Boys. "David rides with me!"

"What?! No!" David protested. "I like the very back!"

"You have no girl to make out with this time." Dwayne snickered. "You can make out with Paul in the front car."

"Oh that is _it_, you can kiss my ass and…" David was really getting started on his various threats when he realized he'd been herded through the line and was already seated in the front car with Paul. "Hey! Wait a minute!"

Marko and Dwayne waved from the back car. The rest of the roller coaster train was empty. "Enjoy your ride, boys!" Marko grinned, making kissy faces at David. He was at a safe distance from David's reach.

"You are _all_ banned from the Cave tomorrow morning!" David howled as the coaster started up. Paul had his arms raised, hands in the air. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Arms up! Arms up!" Paul commanded. "That's an _order_!"

Afraid of what Paul might do if he didn't, David raised his arms. The coaster cars reached the top of the peak and stopped for an instant before sailing down the wooden track. Paul was screaming at the top of his lungs, arms waving in the air.

David's hands gripped the wooden bar in the front of the car, holding on for dear life. The circled the track twice, Paul screaming so loudly David wondered if he'd ever hear out of his left ear again.

"Again! Again!" Paul shouted at the coaster operator as they came into the platform. The operator, a scrawny boy with lots of zits, obliged and sent the four vampires on a second ride.

"_I hate you_!" David yelled over the roar of the coaster on the track and Paul's screams.

Just as they were coming around for the second run, David realized Paul had stopped screaming. In fact, his arms were down and wrapped around his middle.

"Paul…?" David asked. He'd never seen Paul look so…green. Then it dawned on him. Paul turned to face him, his mouth open wide. "Oh no! _Noooooooooooooooooo!_"


	8. Chapter 8

His arms slung over the shoulders of Dwayne and Marko, Paul groaned as they helped him down the stairs into the Cave.

"This is the _last_ time I _ever_ agree to letting someone else lead for a night." David muttered, holding his puked-on trench coat with two fingers. "I'm going to have to have this cleaned! It will forever smell of Paul's puke!"

"That was a _blast_!" Paul grinned weakly.

"All hail Presidente Paul!" Marko and Dwayne cheered.


End file.
